My encounter with a douchebag DEA Agent

Posted by The *Angriest* Pharmacist as Laws, Me being a dick, Rude, Stupid People, True Story

It was a busier day. It was me and my tech slaving away at the counter. Up walks “Agent Smith” from the DEA/BNDD. I don’t mind these guys coming in - hell, I love hearing their stories and finding out who they’re trying to track down. I do what I can to help. I even keep their business cards and call them if I find anything new out. I sometimes make a few calls when I think something shady is going on. Not anymore, at least not to this guy…he doesn’t deserve my help.

He strolled in at 9:30am. I’m still plugging away on the queue and trying to make Doctor calls at the same time. He wanted information on we’ll say, ‘Barbara Streisand’. She’d visited me about 6 months ago. He told me he thinks the script was fraudulent. He wants it. “Well, lemme check. Yup…Just as I thought. It’s in my storage room boxed up. It’s in the back of the store under lock-and-key. I’d hafta get it for you.”

“Okay. I’ve got a meeting at 10:30am across town. How quick can we get it?”
[Haha! Sorry, dick.]
“Well it’s just me and my technician today. I can’t go get it and leave a pharmacy open with no pharmacist, and I can’t send my tech because I just can’t operate the pharmacy with one person.”
“I need it for my case against her…When can I get it?”
[I am no longer amused at this point.]
“I close at 9pm tonite. I can go get it then rather than go home. I can fax it to you or snail mail it tomorrow afternoon…”
“That will do…”
[Of course it will do! You have no other options. I’m not *your* employee.]

We go about our business, and he is perusing our computer system (I had him sign one of my blanket HIPAA release forms for law enforcement when he came in and make notations of any profile(s) he viewed - I ain’t no geek off the streets). He then asked if he could make some local calls. I’ve got four lines - sure thing, Agent Smith. He asks me for the number to a few nearby drugstores, and I hastily oblige.

Phone rings. My tech answers. He then barks at my tech away from the receiver he’s holding in his right hand, “I’m on this line!” My tech immediately hangs up, and he remarks, “You disconnected my call!” I could tell my tech felt about 4 inches tall. I felt the entire situation a bit odd. How did he get disconnected? That’s not how our phones work. You can’t disconnect a call from on one phone from another phone. That’d be stupid. [See where this is going yet?]

Phone rings. My tech is still shaken. So, I answer. I hear him in my left ear from his mouth and my right ear from the receiver, “I’m ON THIS LINE!” What could I do? I immediately hung up. He then snarls at *me* — “You people keep disconnecting my calls!” Then it both clicked and snapped. The click was my realization of what was going on. The snap was my demeanor and professionalism.

“That’s because YOU are calling OUR pharmacy! You’ve called - we answer. We hear your voice and hang up on you because you freak out!”
[He didn’t get it - I could tell from the furrow in his brow…or he didn’t believe his shear idiocy.]
“What’s the number to this pharmacy?”
[I flung my business card at him like I was throwing playing cards in a hat]
“Whoops…”

That’s right. All we got was a damn, “Whoops” — no apology. No, “my bad, dogg.” Fucking. WHOOPS. I was angry that he snapped at my tech. I was pissed he yelled at me. How did he not realize this when my voice system answered with “THANK YOU FOR CALLING _________ on ___________ road in ____________, ___________.” He was calling Walgreens - that is definitely NOT what my computer answers with…

He quickly made his phone calls (he got the number right from then on) and made his way out the door. He left his card, but I *misplaced* it.

I’ll get that script to him in a few weeks…

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