The lost art of throwing a fart
Girls: Stop reading now. You will be so offended by this post you will want to hunt me down and kill me with your bare hands. As erotic as I find that, I don't want to be dead yet.
Guys: Take notes. This is a way to piss off any tech, befriend a good tech, and get rid of the bitch tech that wears too much makeup and takes herself to seriously. Pharmacists are up in the air (literally) -- usually depends on marital status, age, and level of bitch-osity.
Step 1: Work up a nasty turd whistle
Step 2: Cup hand
Step 3: Place hand over ass
Step 4: Release the beef
Step 5: Immediately 'throw' the fart towards the victim's face
Step 6: Laugh uncontrollably as victim chokes on your death breath
For those that have mastered the art of the fart throw, there are some advanced techniques that you can explore.
Technique 1 -- remove the filter. That's right. A bare-assed grab, while disgusting, is much more worse in terms of stench. It's also a million times more deplorable to the victim. They'll want to kill themselves...guaranteed.
Technique 2a -- Alternate areas of release. Rather than always aiming for your victim's face, try aiming for somewhere more subtle, like their pocket. I enjoy placing my ass air in my old friend's pockets so they can utilize it at their discretion later.
Technique 2b -- If you can pull off the fart throw while holding a dollar bill, you can ensure a first timer gets the worst possible experience. Whilst placing the mud duck in their pocket, also place the dollar in there. They'll immediately fish out the dollar and release your brown cloud directly into their lungs. Joy will ensue. Alternatively, they could save both for later.
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We have peaked in our idiocy
"Hi, I'm here to pick up a prescription for my sister."
"Hi, I'm here to help you accomplish that!"
"Her last name is Mittler" [This name is completely erroneous, but the story is the same]
"Well, I don't see anything in the computer for that name. How do you spell it, maybe I'm making a mistake."
"I don't know for sure. LET ME CALL HER." [She's your fucking sister and you don't know how to spell her name? Are you kidding me?]
[Begin side conversation]
"Hey, sis. How do you spell your last name?" [I had given her a pen a pencil since she didn't know her own sister's birthday either]
"I know what your last name is. How do you spell it?"
"Ohh, it's not Mittler? It's what? Wittler?"
"How do you spell it?"
"W-I...."
"Okay, I'll tell him you're allergic...how do you spell it?"
"S-U-L-F-A? But I thought you just said your last name was Wittler?"
"Ohh, I see..."
-=+=-
That's pretty much the bulk of the story. By the time this dumb lady got her sister's name and birthday written down I had already pulled the script from the bin, added the allergy to the computer, had it rang up, took a piss, farted and threw it at my tech, and eaten a few bites of my lunch.
Wow. I wanted to take this lady's car keys away from her...Sorry lady, minimum IQ of 4 is required to drive a "vroom vroom" in this country.
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Alcohol, tobacco, and other necessities for fun
I filled a prescription today for ~4 pints of Lactulose. Guess what it was for? That's right, some poor schmuck with hepatic encephalopathy. "Take one tablespoonful by mouth four times a day." For our non-medical people out there, HE is a complication of liver disease (mainly cirrhosis). This man's body is unable to clear nitrogen waste products from his body. They build up, and his mind goes AWOL. Confusion, agitation, euphoria, insomnia/sleep disturbances, and occasionally coma can be attributed to HE. There's also my favorite symptom: asterixis -- uncontrolable shaking of the hands when they are extended and dorsiflexed (not to be confused with supinated). The personality changes can also be very severe. Brain waves are screwed up as well. Now that we've had our lesson for today, I pose a question. What disease states could cause such a complication?
Well, there's only a few that I learned: Hepatitis and cirrhosis (perhaps Mononucleosis as well)
The lactulose is great for helping the body cope with this. By acidifying the gut (moreso than is already there) it convers the ammonia (NH3) to ammonium (NH4+) with the abundance of protons (H+) around. The charged ammonium cannot cross the gut wall because it is charged, and it gets eliminated in the feces. Coincedentally, this is the primary goal of lactulose: pooping. On average, lactulose in these high doses will cause 4 or more loose stools each day. It's a crappy side effect, but it's much better than being in a coma because you have an ammonia level of 150.
What other drugs should we expect on this man's profile? A Beta blocker to prevent peritonitis and variceal production. Furosemide and spironolactone to reduce fluid build up in the abdomen (ascites). Perhaps even metronidazole to kill urea splitting bacteria in the GI tract.
What should this person avoid? ALCOHOL!
God damnit! It's highly likely this schmuck did this to himself by drinking gallons of gin each day for 15 years. Why in the fuck is this guy buying a case of Bud Light when he's picking up his lactulose? Go ahead, drink yourself into a grave in 2 months rather than a year or two. Put yourself in the hospital with hepatorenal syndrome or severe SBP that will kill you in days. Choke on the blood from a variceal bleed. See if I give a shit anymore.
I asked him if he knew that drinking on these meds was a bad idea. He knew. He agreed with me that "it got him in this mess" but he didn't care. "The way I see it, I don't have too much longer anyway. I might as well enjoy my time left."
That's the exact way I want to be remembered by my kids and grandkids as I fade into a hepatic encephalopathy induced coma -- a drunken idiot.
Walgreen's stopped selling booze because of "ethical dilemmas," yet still sells cigarettes and Spiriva. My store still sells booze and cigarettes. I'm glad they do -- I don't wanna make another stop to get some beer after work. But, I would expect a responsible person with cirrhosis to not purchase alcohol and a person with COPD or emphysema to not purchase another pack of Marlboro Reds.
A mistake is only a mistake if you refuse to correct it.
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