I’m sick of Christmas BS

Posted by The *Angriest* Pharmacist as --Not Pharmacy--, Me being a dick

1. “Go on and make yourself a plate. I like to go last.”
2. “No, you sit at the table. I’ll sit over here on the arm of the couch and rest my plate on my knee.”
3. “What does everyone want to drink? I’m getting myself a soda.”
4. “I told you not to get me anything!”
5. “I’ll make my plate after everyone else. I ate earlier so I’ll be fine to wait.”

Everything above is bullshit. I’ll outline why:

1 - You don’t want to go last. You are trying to be polite. It sounds insincere…because it is. Stop acting like you give a damn and go grab a plate. If everyone would just line up and eat we could get the hell out of here and go home and about our lives — i.e. only contact each other when you send me emails with a subject similar like, “FWD: fwd: FwD: DUUDE! Microsoft iz GIVING AWAY FREE MONEY! Forward this to ^10!^ Peeople! NOOW! Note- I did this and it really workS!!!!!!!!” — Then I respond telling you that you are a fucking idiot.
2 - Everyone wants to sit at the big table. Go sit the fuck down. What pisses me off most about this is that someone will sit somewhere uncomfortable like the arm of a couch or the floor and leave a seat open at the dinner table because no one has the balls to take the last seat. Earth to you idiots - you won’t look like an asshole for sitting down. Relax!
3- You don’t want to get everyone else drinks. You just want to get your Diet Coke and sneak back in. What you DON’T want to happen is have someone yell at you while your getting a drink, “Hey, grab me a glass of tea.” Then you feel like a prick for not asking, you have to take the time to find the “glass cabinet” in someone elses house, get some ice, fill the glass, and you don’t have the opportunity to spit in it our lace it with Visine because everyone else is watching going, “What a prick - he didn’t even ask if anyone else wanted anything.” My advice. Bring a cooler full of beer and sit on it. No one will ask you for one of your beers, and if your drinks are separate from everyone elses, they can’t expect you to fix them anything.
4- I hate this one. Other variations include, “Ohh, we don’t need to trade gifts this year - we’re adults and we can save the money. Let’s focus on the kids.” What a bunch of pie-in-the-sky bullshit. You know damn good and well that you want a gift…and if by chance you really don’t want anything or need anything — if you make this pact with someone else, you still have to buy them something…in case that asshole runs out and buys you something. You have to have a rebuttal gift just in case. I combat this by buying a gift that I really want. A stack of gift cards merely signed, “Love, Your Angriest Family Member” works well. I hand them out like shuffling cards. If I have extra, I blow them on something for me.
5- Bullshit! You are to hungry! No one eats before Christmas dinner. You’re a liar and an asshole for saying that. Get your ass up and make a plate. Make me one too since you’re next to the food. That’s your punishment for being a lying liar. You just don’t want to be the first one to make a plate — or the first one to jump up and go eat. I, on the other hand, didn’t eat all day because I love the dressing my Aunt makes. You can bet your ass I’ll be the first one to step up and make a plate. I didn’t eat anything all day today so I could eat three servings of this shit. I’ll also be the first one to jump at the pies - that way their still warm and I can cut myself a slice as big as I freakin want…rather than the dinky little fucker you would cut me.

There you have it. Everyone lies…especially on Christmas. Everyone’s an asshole…especially if they say anything quoted above. Remember this next year before you leave your house on Christian-Go-Crazy Day…that way they won’t smite you and beckon you to eternal damnation.

I’d like to thank Anheuiser Busch for being a proud sponsor of this post!

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