SAVE TOPFIVE!

Posted by The *Angriest* Pharmacist as --Not Pharmacy--, Blogs I like

TopFive.com is an original — the pioneer of online comedy. Manned by Chris White of Hollywood, CA, Topfive and it’s contribu-core have been pumping out gut busting comedy in the form of Letterman style Top Ten lists (often containing up to 20 items) since 1993.

I’ve been a subscriber to Topfive and it’s Jack Handy-type comedy genre Ruminations since 1996 or so. When they unveiled ClubTop5, an ad-free extended version of the lists, I immediately upgraded. In addition to the big list, there is also a spinoff version called Little Fivers which are more targeted. From College Life to Medicine to WTF, there’s a Little Fiver for everyone. They’re a little smaller — limited to 10 or less entries and published just once weekly, but they are FREE for all to enjoy.

Due to the recent economic crunch and the plethora of unfunny copycats, TopFive has hit economic hardship. But, they aren’t going down without a fight. CW and the contribu-core are working hard to right the ship. In a few short months, The Humor Institute will be born and the phoenix of TopFive will live on.

I’ve done my part — I sponsored a Rumination and a Topfive list on October 13, 2008. The lists are published below. Please visit the site, enjoy the material, and consider donating to keep this age-old brand of comedy coming to my inbox daily!

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Who’s helping to save TopFive?
Today, it’s The Angriest Pharmacist!

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The Angriest Pharmacist

The life and times of a licensed,
professional pharmacist in the trenches
– also known as the retail pharmacy.

A slice of humor dispensed in daily anecdotes.
As always, take with plenty of alcohol.

http://TheAngriestPharmacist.com

-=++=-

Help save TopFive!
http://www.topfive.com/savetopfive.html

TopFive is currently in re-runs as we work on the new website.

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C  L  U  B  T  O  P  5
Moderator carries less than $20 cash.
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January 21, 2000

The Top 14 Signs Your Presidential
Candidate Is Under-Qualified

14> Resolves to improve foreign relations with Hawaii.

13> Runs a series of attack ads against Martin Sheen’s character
on “The West Wing.”

12> His number 1 choice to work on his cabinet?  “That
Bob Vila guy.”

11> Doesn’t seem to understand that having been “held prisoner”
in county lockup for two days for public urination does
*not* make him a war hero.

10> Occasionally stops campaign speeches to ask, “Hey!  Who’s
frying balogna in here?”

9> Supports NRA — because “‘Straight Outta Compton’ was dope!”

8> Outstanding record as governor of Rhode Island nullified
by the fact that no one really cares.

7> Got his degree in Political Economics by bribing Sally Struthers
with a chocolate donut.

6> Still asks “The state or the DC thingie?” anytime somebody
mentions Washington.

5> At the debates, answers every question with a snarled,
“You wanna wrestle?!?”

4> Attempts to use a lifeline on the very first question of the
debate.

3> Vows to put an end to the war in Pokemon and free the Pikachu
refugees once and for all.

2> Says the Pledge of Allegiance as quickly as possible, then
shouts, “I win!”

and Topfive.com’s Number 1 Sign Your
Presidential Candidate Is Under-Qualified…

1> At press conferences, only calls on “the hot chick in the red
dress” and “the whiny Jew in the back.”

[  The Top 5 List   www.topfive.com  ]
[   Copyright 2000 by Chris White    ]

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“2000 Flushes”    and    “Master Debaters”
The Runners Up and Honorable Mention submissions
for today’s list come later in this message.
====================================================
Selected from 322 submissions from 112 contributors.
Today’s Top 5 List authors are:
——————————————————————
Strongbow Wolfrider, San Diego, CA       –  1  (Woo-hoo!)
Lesa Whyte, Seattle, WA                  –  2
Dakota Shepard, New Haven, CT            –  3
Rob Carraway, Sanford, FL                –  4
Mike Scheinberg, Arlington, VA           –  4
Barb Silvey & Brad Preston, Spokane, WA  –  5
Chris Jones, Snellville, GA              –  6
Chris LeSure, Ellington, CT              –  7
Bill Coburn, Long Creek, SC              –  8
Curtis Matthews, Kennesaw, GA            –  9
Britt Green, Eugene, OR                  — 10
Evan Austill, Jr., Mobile, AL            — 11
Matt Reinaker, Lancaster, PA             — 11
Dennis Sullivan, Lilburn, GA             — 12
Curtis Matthews, Kennesaw, GA            — 13
Andy Barrett, Lake Oswego, OR            — 14
Jeffrey Anbinder, Ithaca, NY             — Banner Tag
Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ            — Runner Up list name
Alan Smithee, Sugar Land, TX             — Honorable Mention name
Chris White, New York, NY                — List owner/editor
The Presidents of the United States of America   — Ambience
–> Ambience explained: http://www.topfive.com/arcs/am012000.shtml

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~~~~  The http://www.Amused.com Too Much Fun Link of the Day!  ~~~

My Dad Is a Graphic Designer
http://www.popularemails.com/mydadisagraphicdesigner.htm

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–==++   Ruminations   ++==–

The advantage of being born a long time ago
is that you could say something simple like,
“I think, therefore I am,” and become famous.
The disadvantage, I guess, is that now you’re dead.

(William Dahmer)

I am at one with my duality.
But I’m duplicitous about my multiplicity.

(Janne Burke)

Bologna is just an excuse to eats lots of mustard.

(Labbat Bleue)

-=+=–=+=-

BAD Rumination of the Day
(Submitted *as is* to the Ruminations list)

Understand that which is not for with out,
you can never truly understand that which is.

(Dathinkr)

=====================================================

The Runners Up & Honorable Mention submissions
Runners up were almost good enough to make the main list,
but got edged out by other submissions.  Honorable mentions
were good enough to still deserve some recognition.

——————————————————————
Signs Your Presidential Candidate Is Under-Qualified
RUNNERS UP list  –  2000 Flushes
——————————————————————

Campaign consultant is a smiley face drawn on his index finger.
(Joe Clifford Faust, Canton, OH)

Lets Tipper choose the inauguration music.
(Dakota Shepard, New Haven, CT)

For some reason, his economic policy involves “buying all the
Cheetos I can get my hands on.”
(Steven Bevier, Grand Rapids, MI)

Can name more Backstreet Boys than world leaders.
(Julie Quinn, Lakeside, CA)

All too graphic “Here’s the Beef!” campaign posters.
(Mark M. Sawh, whereabouts unknown)

Deeply concerned about the longstanding civil unrest on “The View.”
(Jane Murphy, New York, NY)

Speeches are peppered with uncredited witticisms written by Top5
rookie Paul Monne.
(Paul Monne, Brantford, Ontario, Canada)

Fully stocked war chest and many well connected friends?  Check.
Excellent face and name recognition with the voting public?  Check.
Dumped Madonna to knock up Annette Bening?  Uh-Oh.
(Paul Monne, Brantford, Ontario, Canada)

Side effects from years of rampant coke-snorting guarantee that
female interns are 100% harassment-free!
(Dakota Shepard, New Haven, CT)

Has never smoked pot, has never had an affair, and has a voice
which cannot be imitated easily by a Saturday Night Live cast member.
(Mike Peterson, whereabouts unknown)
(Paul Ogata, Pearl City, HA)

Closest he ever came to an affair was getting a PB&J from the
cafeteria intern.
(Steve Spezzano, whereabouts unknown)

Yes, they’ve got a foolproof plan for national health care.
True, they’ve got a solution regarding gays in the military and
women in combat.  Ok, so they’ve got a plan for eliminating the
national debt in 3 years. Still, there’s no way in hell you’re
punching in on the Kenny G./John Tesh ticket.
(Strongbow Wolfrider, San Diego, CA)

Lists “Captain, Detox Centre volleyball squad” under “Leadership
Experience.”
(Bill Galloway, Guelph, Ontario, Canada)

Campaign slogan is, “Who’s the leader of the land that was made
for you and me?”
(Bill Coburn, Long Creek, SC)

His plan for dealing with the homeless involves far too many
references to “good ol’ fashioned ass-whoopin’s.”
(Bob Roth, whereabouts unknown)

His health care plan relies heavily on Band-Aids and Robitussin.
(Bryan Antman, Philadelphia, PA)

Refuses to campaign in the western states because he fears
“them pesky Injuns.”
(Brian Reddoch, Seattle, WA)

While other candidates steal their jokes from high quality humor
lists, yours steals his from Bazooka Joe comics.
(Brandon Hunt, Braintree, MA)

When asked his position on the new abortion bill, thoughtfully
responds, “Well, I suppose I’ll just have to pay it!”
(Michael DiMuro, Middle Village, NY)

Favorite Political Philosopher:  “That dude on ‘Kung Fu’”
(Eric Thompson, Austin, TX)

Twenty years ago?  His closest aides don’t even know what the
hell he did two *weeks* ago.
(Mitch Shaw, whereabouts unknown)

The other candidates: In the back pockets of multi-billion dollar
corporations and special interests who pour millions of dollars
into election coffers.
Your candidate: In the back pocket of the guy who lets him into
the strip club without paying the cover charge.
(Brandon Hunt, Braintree, MA)

Runner Up list name
(Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ)

——————————————————————
Signs Your Presidential Candidate Is Under-Qualified
HONORABLE MENTION list  –  Master Debaters
——————————————————————

Fights for control of the party… The Reform Party.
(Rob Carraway, Sanford, FL)

His first business deal? Logs on to Ebay to trade Oregon and
Maryland for the rare Beanie Baby, Maple.
(Amanda K., Nepean, Ontario, Canada)

When asked what makes him qualified to hold the job of president,
he proclaims proudly, “Last night I stayed at a Holiday Inn!!”
(”spladow”, whereabouts unknown)

Number 1 campaign promise:  soda in the drinking fountains
(Andy Barrett, Lake Oswego, OR)

He gives a rather bizarre gives new meaning to the phrase “press
the flesh.”
(Ali Kleeb, Greensboro, NC)

The only reason that anyone knows who he is?  Almost the same name
as a former US President!
(Anna L. Juarez, Deming, NM)

The press spots him at Blockbuster renting Schoolhouse Rock’s
“I’m Just a Bill.”
(Maggie Baker, Austin, TX)

“Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you my running mate, Admiral
James Stockdale.”
(Bill Hewins, Ft. Thomas, KY)
(Steve Skaggs, Louisville, KY)

Truly believes having Big Bird as a running mate will increase
his popularity with the younger voters.
(Brandon Eldridge, Sikeston, MO)

Brags, “Hear that honey? He’s talkin’ bout me!” at a Jeff
Foxworthy show.
(Brandon Eldridge, Sikeston, MO)

His puns are more than witty and you’re finding yourself actually
laughing at some of his jokes.
(Brandy Warden, Canton, MI)

Campaign buttons say, “I got Whammied at Louie’s - South Padre
Island” with “Louie’s” scratched out and replaced with his name.
(Brendan Loughrey, Saint Paul, MN)

Loves to quote JFK’s second inaugural speech.
(Bryan Antman, Philadelphia, PA)

Not only inhaled, he drank the bong water.
(Chris Irby, Dallas, TX)

Sees presidency as a springboard to “one of them cool Secret
Service jobs.”
(Chris Jones, Snellville, GA)

Claims that, “If Yeltsin can do it drunk, then I can sure as hell
do it naked from the waist down!”
(Chris LeSure, Ellington, CT)

Says his first order of action will be to suspend congress daily
so not to miss reruns of “Saved by the Bell.”
(Chris LeSure, Ellington, CT)

Became confused during debate and repeatedly referred to moderator
Cokie Roberts as “Judge Judy.”
(Curtis Matthews, Kennesaw, GA)

When the red light comes on during television debates, experiences
the “Cindy Brady Freeze-Up” effect.
(Darin Carr, Lexington, KY)

Believes “atomic head-drop” will move the mid-East peace talks
along.
(Pete Gitlin, Phoenix, AZ)

Campaign funded entirely by bake sales.
(Gretchen Crumpacker, Newport Beach, CA)

He’s raised $400 million — you’d think he’d have the brains to
lie like a *real* candidate when someone asks about drug use.
(Caleb Ronsen, whereabouts unknown)

Asks for a teleprompter to read the Pledge of Allegiance
(Jeffrey Lampert, Hoffman Estates, IL)

His first campaign promise is to get his GED.
(Sorace Lawrence, whereabouts unknown)

Used to wear a feather boa — yet has never been a professional
wrestler.
(Joe Spampinato, San Francisco, CA)

Giggles whenever someone says, “caucus.”
(Lesa Whyte, Seattle, WA)
(Tom Caldwell, Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Canada)

He allows his wife to tamper with the first amendment before
he’s even Vice President.
(Leslie Cheung, Santa Cruz, CA)

He *can* spell “potato” — but not much else.
(Mark Spence, Mountain View, CA)

Begins oath of office with, “I, state your name, do solemnly
swear…”
(Matt Reinaker, Lancaster, PA)

Thinks “foreign policy” is a “guidebook for the politically
correct way to refer to inferior races.”
(Nick Kiefer, Honolulu, HA)

Brags about years as a law clerk for Judge Judy.
(Jane Murphy, New York, NY)

When asked to name his running mate, replies that he seldom jogs.
(Ron Pizarie, Bath, PA)

He claims Reno has his full support, but personally prefers Vegas.
(Ron Stillwachs, Alpharetta, GA)

Keeps chewing up Tipper’s newspaper rather than just fetching it,
like he was told to do.
(Robert W. Scott, Alexandria, LA)

Running as “JoJo the Juggling-Boy” seemed like a great idea
before the primaries.
(Robert W. Scott, Alexandria, LA)

His foreign policy includes importing French fries directly from
the factory in Paris.
(Ryan Williams, whereabouts unknown)

Campaign speeches cribbed from old “Baywatch” dialogue.
(Aaron DaMommio, Austin, TX)

Giggles uncontrollably when he hears that he is ahead in the poles.

(Stephen M. Theberge, whereabouts unknown)

Thinks “The Secret Service” is something performed by interns.
(Joe Toomey, Boston, MA)

Honorable Mention list name
(Alan Smithee, Sugar Land, TX)

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[  TOP5 -- The Home of Original Humor    http://www.topfive.com ]
[  To bitch at the owner, send a message to: chris@topfive.com  ]
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[      Copyright 2000 by Chris White   All rights reserved.      ]
[    Do not forward, publish, broadcast, or use in any manner    ]
[     without crediting "The Top 5 List at www.topfive.com"      ]
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