I'm sick of Christmas BS
1. "Go on and make yourself a plate. I like to go last."
2. "No, you sit at the table. I'll sit over here on the arm of the couch and rest my plate on my knee."
3. "What does everyone want to drink? I'm getting myself a soda."
4. "I told you not to get me anything!"
5. "I'll make my plate after everyone else. I ate earlier so I'll be fine to wait."
Everything above is bullshit. I'll outline why:
1 - You don't want to go last. You are trying to be polite. It sounds insincere...because it is. Stop acting like you give a damn and go grab a plate. If everyone would just line up and eat we could get the hell out of here and go home and about our lives -- i.e. only contact each other when you send me emails with a subject similar like, "FWD: fwd: FwD: DUUDE! Microsoft iz GIVING AWAY FREE MONEY! Forward this to ^10!^ Peeople! NOOW! Note- I did this and it really workS!!!!!!!!" -- Then I respond telling you that you are a fucking idiot.
2 - Everyone wants to sit at the big table. Go sit the fuck down. What pisses me off most about this is that someone will sit somewhere uncomfortable like the arm of a couch or the floor and leave a seat open at the dinner table because no one has the balls to take the last seat. Earth to you idiots - you won't look like an asshole for sitting down. Relax!
3- You don't want to get everyone else drinks. You just want to get your Diet Coke and sneak back in. What you DON'T want to happen is have someone yell at you while your getting a drink, "Hey, grab me a glass of tea." Then you feel like a prick for not asking, you have to take the time to find the "glass cabinet" in someone elses house, get some ice, fill the glass, and you don't have the opportunity to spit in it our lace it with Visine because everyone else is watching going, "What a prick - he didn't even ask if anyone else wanted anything." My advice. Bring a cooler full of beer and sit on it. No one will ask you for one of your beers, and if your drinks are separate from everyone elses, they can't expect you to fix them anything.
4- I hate this one. Other variations include, "Ohh, we don't need to trade gifts this year - we're adults and we can save the money. Let's focus on the kids." What a bunch of pie-in-the-sky bullshit. You know damn good and well that you want a gift...and if by chance you really don't want anything or need anything -- if you make this pact with someone else, you still have to buy them something...in case that asshole runs out and buys you something. You have to have a rebuttal gift just in case. I combat this by buying a gift that I really want. A stack of gift cards merely signed, "Love, Your Angriest Family Member" works well. I hand them out like shuffling cards. If I have extra, I blow them on something for me.
5- Bullshit! You are to hungry! No one eats before Christmas dinner. You're a liar and an asshole for saying that. Get your ass up and make a plate. Make me one too since you're next to the food. That's your punishment for being a lying liar. You just don't want to be the first one to make a plate -- or the first one to jump up and go eat. I, on the other hand, didn't eat all day because I love the dressing my Aunt makes. You can bet your ass I'll be the first one to step up and make a plate. I didn't eat anything all day today so I could eat three servings of this shit. I'll also be the first one to jump at the pies - that way their still warm and I can cut myself a slice as big as I freakin want...rather than the dinky little fucker you would cut me.
There you have it. Everyone lies...especially on Christmas. Everyone's an asshole...especially if they say anything quoted above. Remember this next year before you leave your house on Christian-Go-Crazy Day...that way they won't smite you and beckon you to eternal damnation.
I'd like to thank Anheuiser Busch for being a proud sponsor of this post!
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Beautiful…just beautiful…
Have a Nice Weekend!
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The lost art of throwing a fart
Girls: Stop reading now. You will be so offended by this post you will want to hunt me down and kill me with your bare hands. As erotic as I find that, I don't want to be dead yet.
Guys: Take notes. This is a way to piss off any tech, befriend a good tech, and get rid of the bitch tech that wears too much makeup and takes herself to seriously. Pharmacists are up in the air (literally) -- usually depends on marital status, age, and level of bitch-osity.
Step 1: Work up a nasty turd whistle
Step 2: Cup hand
Step 3: Place hand over ass
Step 4: Release the beef
Step 5: Immediately 'throw' the fart towards the victim's face
Step 6: Laugh uncontrollably as victim chokes on your death breath
For those that have mastered the art of the fart throw, there are some advanced techniques that you can explore.
Technique 1 -- remove the filter. That's right. A bare-assed grab, while disgusting, is much more worse in terms of stench. It's also a million times more deplorable to the victim. They'll want to kill themselves...guaranteed.
Technique 2a -- Alternate areas of release. Rather than always aiming for your victim's face, try aiming for somewhere more subtle, like their pocket. I enjoy placing my ass air in my old friend's pockets so they can utilize it at their discretion later.
Technique 2b -- If you can pull off the fart throw while holding a dollar bill, you can ensure a first timer gets the worst possible experience. Whilst placing the mud duck in their pocket, also place the dollar in there. They'll immediately fish out the dollar and release your brown cloud directly into their lungs. Joy will ensue. Alternatively, they could save both for later.
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Sylvia Browne must be stopped
Let me start by saying I dislike all psychics. I don't believe in them. I think that people that believe they have psychic abilities or ESP are complete frauds. The human brain is not capable of these feats...yet. But, I *hate* Sylvia Browne. I think she is the lowest common denominator of human civilization. She's made millions off of people that believe in her "abilities" which are merely cheap parlor tricks, cold readings, and observations. She manipulates people in the way she reads their body language, verbal language, and emotional status. There is a site (which I have added a link to in my blogroll) that is devoted to exposing her as the fake that she is.
There are literally HUNDREDS of articles on http://www.stopsylvia.com that prove that her "readings" are off base and plain-old bullshit. Robert Lancaster (the webmaster for the site) has spent countless hours compiling her wrong readings and lies, and he coincedently has never found, or had brought to his attention, a single instance where Browne has been correct or helped in any way shape or form.
She stomps on peoples hopes by telling them lies about their lost loved ones. She tells the sick that "lecithin" is the cure for their horrible diseases and cancers. She claims to help people find the kidnapped children and solve homocide cases free-of-charge but wants $600 for a 30-minute session.
And who's to blame for her success? Us, mostly. If people wouldn't buy her books and throw money at her, she would fade into oblivion. Yet, the source of her notoriety comes from her main backer -- Montel Williams. He knows she's full of shit. He knows how many people she has misled and hurt. Yet, she brings in decent ratings every Wednesday. Montel, you should be ashamed in yourself.
I urge everyone to visit http://www.stopsylvia.com/home/ and witness firsthand with facts, citations, and common sense how worthless this woman truly is...
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