I work alone sometimes. If Iâ€™m lucky, I work with one other person. Occasionally, we both end up on the phone, on the sales floor, or tied up elsewhere. Enter Jackass #1. He gets to the cash register, waits a few seconds, and out come his keys. At first he just shakes them a little bit, allowing me to hear his jingle. I see him, but he canâ€™t necessarily know that I see him. I have no real way to let him know that Iâ€™m busy, and Iâ€™ll be there as Iâ€™m able. He waits as long as he thinks he needs to so he raises his keys in the air andâ€¦OOPS! drops them on the counter.
Holy fucking shit this stuff pisses me off. It happens all the time. I donâ€™t have a bell. I donâ€™t need a bell. I have eyeballs. I take a step back, wave at him, and show him that I am on the fucking phone. Does he care? Nawâ€¦
He dropped them again. Ohh man Iâ€™m hot now. Iâ€™m talking to a doctor about a mis-written script. I canâ€™t step back and say, â€œHold on just a minute.â€ I fucking waited for his ear for 10 minutes. This asshole can eat shit!
I couldnâ€™t take it anymore. Three drops, and I lost it. I think I went a little far now, but hindsight is 20/20. I pulled my keys from my own pocket, jingled them a few times, dropped them on the counter not once, not twice, but three times, then in a fury threw them towards my register. They hit the wall, fell to the floor, and the manâ€™s jaw dropped. My face turned red, and I knew I screwed up.
I finished my phone call and skipped down to the register. I bent over and picked up my keys. I looked at him and said, â€œIâ€™m sorry. But you must realize that I am not here getting paid to ignore you. I have a plain few of the register. I have mirrors here that let me see you from every point in the pharmacy. I donâ€™t need someone creating a bell with their keys in a feeble attempt to get my attention. In most cases, I know the person is going to the register before they even get there.â€
The response was classic, â€œItâ€™s fineâ€¦do you have any 12-hour Sudafed?â€
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Thereâ€™s a lot of things I see day in and day out that irritate the piss out of me. Hereâ€™s some of the things that tick me off the most.
1. The bastardization of the English language. I am not a great literary genius, but I try to speak as if I have a doctoral level education. Granted, my education is science based, but I still speak as if I have a brain in my head, unlike the youth of today. Here are a few quotes Iâ€™ve recently which made me want to scream:
â€œOhh man, I ainâ€™t seen you in a minuteâ€¦â€ â€” This fuckhead hadnâ€™t seen me in weeks. Apparently, a â€œminuteâ€ can also mean extended period of times.
â€œYou know what Iâ€™m sayinâ€™?â€ â€” Of course I know what youâ€™re saying you fuckwad. I just listened to you. And this isnâ€™t something these idiots just say at the end of their thought, itâ€™s repeated many times even in the same sentence.
â€œI gotta keep minesâ€¦â€ â€” WHAT? Rather than just say â€œmineâ€ weâ€™ve gone ahead and made the singular word plural. Way to go you ebonics speaking jackass.
â€œWe be â€ â€” WE ARE YOU BRAINLESS NUTSACK!
â€œWhat it is?â€ â€” This pesky oversight can sneak itself into a bunch of different sentences. Point blank: IS is NOT interchangeable with ARE! Is is a verb and should go somewhere in the middle of the sentence, not at the end (Iâ€™m sure there are special circumstances, but this is a rantâ€¦).
â€œAww muh niggaâ€¦â€ â€” I am a white man. I am old. I helped a kid out, and this is the response I get? It was a term of endearmentâ€¦he was pleased with my service. But, the use of this word in that sense just irritates me. If I were to use that word, the kid would likely beat the fuck out of me. His use of it simply makes others think it is okay, and it allows this hate-filled, negative word to live on.
2. The music. UGH! I hate music today. Granted, my exposure to the music of today is limited to the Top40 channels I hit on the way to-and-from work. Listening to this bullshit they call music makes me think that I have talent. I got an idea! Letâ€™s take a dumbass electronic drummer, set it to repeat, and say the same busted ass lyrics over and over and over! BRILLIANT. The thing that really fucking grinds my gears about the music of today is the way that every song on the market contains a spelling lesson. â€˜Fergieâ€™ is the bitch that is notorious for this shit. In her song Fergalicious, she teaches young children of the world how to MISSPELL the word tasty (her version is spelled tast-e-y which is incorrect). Her other 4 minutes of dribble that contains a spelling lesson is Glamorous where she spells out the title of the song. At least itâ€™s correct! But, WHY? Itâ€™s fucking retarded. Let us not forget my personal hate, Hollaback Girl by Gwen Stefani. This whole song just fucking sucks.
I know there are some oldies that do this. R-O-C-K in the USA by John Mellencamp, and TROUBLE by Elvis(Travis Tritt cover?). Iâ€™m not saying that these songs donâ€™t suck for spelling out words, but they do not suck as bad as the prior.
Another fad that has started recently in music that really perturbs me is artists beginning their songs with their name. I know what song is coming on before it starts (if I donâ€™t know, it comes on immediately after). â€œAkon and Young Jeezyâ€¦â€ is the beginning of the shitfest called Soul Survivor. Akon must be a fan of his name, because Iâ€™ve noticed he says it in several songs. Itâ€™s retarded. It must be stopped.
3. Whoâ€™s dressing these fucking punks? They come in nowadays with their pants so fucking big I can see their god damn boxers. This is complete bullshit. Sure, they wear belts, but the belts must have been made for Fat Albert cause it sure as hell ainâ€™t fitting these little pricks. Even if the belt is the right size, itâ€™s not holding the pants up because itâ€™s adjusted to nutsack level down from the normal waist level. As they walk, these fucking pants do right as expected and fall down. How do we hold them up? â€œLetâ€™s hold them with one of our hands so it appears Iâ€™ve actually got a good squeeze on my cock.â€ Are you kidding me? These fucking kids look ridiculous. Itâ€™s embarrassing to Americans everywhere. And donâ€™t fucking tell me itâ€™s culture. Itâ€™s not a culture. Itâ€™s a pointless fad that just isnâ€™t dying. Donâ€™t get my started on their T-shirts either. Now, itâ€™s cool to wear a T-shirt thatâ€™s so big it would swallow Michael Clarke Duncan. I guess we have to sag our pants because the shirts are so ridiculously bigâ€¦errrr!
4. Grills. Are you fucking kidding me? I paid thousands of dollars for my teeth as is. I had braces. Then I knocked a few out in a baseball accident in high school. I also did this thing my whole lifeâ€¦itâ€™s called BRUSHING! My pearly whites are pretty enough. Why would anyone want to cover them with platinum, diamonds, or anything else? Itâ€™s fucking stupid.
5. Hair. What happened to a nice part, clean cut, and groomed? Instead we have mohawks, cornrows, afros (with the pick in it still), pony tails, mullets, dyed, etc. Give me a break. All males should have hair like a young Johnny Unitas and girls should have hair like Julia Roberts (in this picture). Utopia would follow.
6. â€œYes, I have plenty of change you homeless piece of shit.â€ Okay, they may not even be homeless, but stop asking me for change because you â€œneed to get on the busâ€ or â€œwant to get yourself a subway.â€ Get a fucking job. I have two. Surely, you can get one. And another thingâ€¦donâ€™t offer to help me then beg for money. Some guy offered up directions as I was walking around lost one day. He just saw me staring at a map. He chimed in with help. Then asked me for change to catch the bus. I jingled my change in my pockets then gave him a quarter. I was wearing jeans and a t-shirt. This guy was wearing a button-up and a blazer over it. Maybe it was an experiment. Maybe I was on TV. I was still fucking pissedâ€¦and lost because that faggot gave my bad directions.
7. STOP FUCKING SINGING IN PUBLIC. I hate to say it, but this is usually only attributed to the African American public. Everywhere I go, I hear some fuckwad in headphones singing at the top of his lungs to some R&B bullshit Iâ€™ve never even heard. Musical culture? I can buy that. Be musical at home. Stop making others feel uncomfortable because of your rudeness, lack of musical ability, and, un-shyness. By the way, if you are singing in public, you suck at singing (and life). Iâ€™ve heard a shit ton of people singing in public but Iâ€™ve never heard anyone that was worth a shitâ€¦so my inference is that you all suck.
8. And for crying out loud, if your baby starts fucking crying in public, kill it or something. But seriously, when you are at a wedding, in church, at a funeral, or somewhere quiet, take the fucking child out of the room. Donâ€™t make me have to give you a dirty look, because I will. Have some courtesy.
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Driving tip #1: Do not block the fucking intersection. If it is busy at a red light, and thereâ€™s not room for your car to get entirely across the intersection, donâ€™t fucking cross, nimrod! Seriously! I sat at an intersection for 3 cycles before I got so furious I just ran the red light when I got the chance. Iâ€™ll eat the 10 dollar ticket if there was a cameraâ€¦I had to poop.
Driving tip #2: Donâ€™t be an asshole. Be nice! I was driving in the right lane of a 4 lane road. Someone parked in front of a business. I couldnâ€™t move. The parked person wasnâ€™t the asshole. There was not a â€œno parking signâ€ believe me, I had plenty of time to look. Every asshole that drive by without letting me out is an asshole. It was very easy to see I was blocked. So, all you pricks that would not let me out, suck it.
Driving tip #3: Donâ€™t be an excessive speeder. The limit is 70. 75 is okay. 95 is just damn uneccessary and dangerous. Slow the fuck down. Some people have kids in their car, and you are swerving around them like they are parked.
Driving tip #4: GameBoys, newspapers, laptops, and books are NOT acceptable while driving. DUH! I saw a fucking guy playing a GameBoy today. I sincerely hope he gets some sort of STD.
Driving tip #5: Donâ€™t ride my ass.
As I think Iâ€™ve said before, I have to work the register every now and again. I donâ€™t like it, but I do it anyway. Iâ€™ve noticed over the past few weeks that old people are real jackasses with their money. Rather than take their stack of one dollar bills (Iâ€™m assuming they are on their way to the tittie-bar) and hand it to me they toss it scattering the bills all over the counter. My response: Slowly as possible, I pick up each bill one-by-one. I straighten them, flatten them, and sort them accordingly. Depending on the quantity, I sometimes put them in the drawer one at a time as well. I doubt that these inconsiderate assholes even notice Iâ€™m taking my sweet time, but it makes me feel better.
Then thereâ€™s the other breed, plastic users. Yes, you fucking prick, I see that you have a credit card. Is it necessary for you to toss the card at me? I have a â€œself-swiperâ€ for a reason. I donâ€™t swipe it, you do! How to I fix this situation? As awkwardly as possible I lean over the counter and swipe the card in the easily accessible self-swiper on the opposite side of the counter. That usually gets them, but they only feign giving a shit with a half-hearted, â€œOops, I didnâ€™t realizeâ€¦â€ (These arenâ€™t necessarily old people, but studies show that most old people are jackasses with plastic as well.)
Finally, we have a whole new breed of cocksucker. This asshole is so proud that he has a credit/debit card that he *snaps* the card on the counter, so everyone in a 25-foot radius knows he has some plastic and intends on using it, by flicking one corner against the counter. I counter this situation a little differently than the afformentioned â€œcredit-card-cocksucker,â€ I usually give them a resonating, â€œBIG MAN! Swipe that there you dog, you!â€